I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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