some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize