It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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