For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
