She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
