Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
