Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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