I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
