dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
