Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
