So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
