I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
send nudes
from the living room?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
