Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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