i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Drake has all the answers
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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