I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
