Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
