I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
