At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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