i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
