:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
