Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
