FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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