My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize