i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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