When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
