By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
