I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
