Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
a search helicopter?!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize