I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize