i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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