just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
