I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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