Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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