Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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