Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
