did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
