My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
