if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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