Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
