Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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