Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize