addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
