I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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