Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
