I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
