I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
