I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
