I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
