So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
