I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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