she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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