He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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