so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
