either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
