i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
