chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
