Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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