And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
