They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
