i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
