Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
