It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
